Daughter: Dad, I have been waiting for the right moment to tell you that I am a lesbian. It is very difficult for me to tell you something like this, so I hope you understand and don't get mad. *makes cute face*
Dad: It's okay honey. I love you.
Second daughter: I'm a lesbian too.
Dad: Jesus Christ! None of my kids likes boys?
Son: I do.

fasterfood:

"God damn it!" i yell as i stub my toe on a table. suddenly from the sky, i hear god reply "okay". the floor splits open, revealing a pit to hell. god pushes the table down into the pit, and then it seals up. he actually did it. god damned it.

(via livingdeathbat)

sparrowbirdd:

They warned me and I listened but  THEN I DIDN’T HAHAHAHAHAhaha

(via calmitjanet)

(Source: heelyz, via calmitjanet)

outofcontextdnd:

"This is my therapy dragon, she’s for my panic attacks. I attack, everyone panics."

(via karlurbanana)

When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.

Lemony Snicket  (via discolor3d)

(via lexxxiiwild)

snarg:

truth or dare more like preform a strange sexual act or tell me who you like

(via karlurbanana)

cassywinchestertheangel:

koishe:

classy-dick:

do you have a friend who’s usually a sweetheart but when they’re angry they’re the creepiest and the most cruel motherfucker you ever saw in your whole life

i am that friend

So am I

(Source: 1druinedmysociallife)

fursonakin:

fun fact about me: when i was a freshman in high school, for the whole year i planned an april fools joke on my homophobic dad and i was gonna tell him that i was a lesbian and i had a girlfriend. by the time april fools day rolled around, i was really a lesbian and i had a girlfriend

(via arewehumanorarewehughdancy)